The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea
Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn
Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their
fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was
a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even
got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop
the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals
scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh
across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got
through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any
milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and
drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for
themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without
a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little
Napa Valley Cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back
across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build
re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and
watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious
ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens
taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching
a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens
about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the
'50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk
Show, we become very suspicious about their age." an official
said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore
movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease
tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice President Biden met
with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take
steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're
going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And
we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President
is determined to reach out." he said. The Herald will be interested to see
if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the
concert.