Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in
a
misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to
the
cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of
Tchaikovsky's
1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness
he
placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to
a
quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck
the
mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass
trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages
on
his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from
the
explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and
away
from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."
However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use
high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the
firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough
so
as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those
delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to
sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute
between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the
orchestra,
missing the players and straight into the stomach of the
conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of
the
audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they
were
protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them
passing
the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of
people
sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the
row
behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden
chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased
logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass
playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on
stage
Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I
heard
the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in
slow
motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I
heard a
voice with an Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zero is UN
edeal UN opposite reaction!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for
Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental
law
of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he
allowed
the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards
through
the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his
lips
and face.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so
great
it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it
inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the
riser.
And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the
slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing
through
the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into
the
head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the
trombone
section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"