A new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud. For you hip
urban professionals: no, playing Mozart for your designer baby will not
improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll
just have to be admitted to Harvard some other way.
Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the
pleasure of it. However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for
little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if
other composers were played in their developmental time?
LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really
says anything important.
BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself
frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.
WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his
sister.
MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume -
that he's dying.
SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the
other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually,
people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to
understand him.
BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people
stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates
think he's
cool.
IVES EFFECT: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several
separate conversations at once.
GLASS EFFECT: Child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and
over and over again.
STRAVINSKY EFFECT: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane
outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.
BRAHMS EFFECT: Child is able to speak beautifully as long as his
sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc.).
However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.
AND THEN OF COURSE, THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING FOR 4 MINUTES,
33 SECONDS. PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS.
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