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The gulf between father and son is called `quantum physics' by Dave Barry



The gulf between father and son is called `quantum physics'

By DAVE BARRY

Recently I received a phone call from my son, Rob. It was a phone call that
every parent dreads.

That's right: My son told me that the universe does not exist. Or at least
it does not in any way resemble my concept of it. According to Rob, I
understand the universe about as well as a barnacle understands a nuclear
aircraft carrier.

I blame college. That's where Rob is getting these ideas, which have to do
with the Theory of Relativity and something called ``quantum physics.'' Rob
and his roommate, Hal, stay up all night discussing Deep Questions and
figuring out the universe, and when they have it nailed down -- The Rob and
Hal Theory of Everything -- Rob calls me up, all excited, and starts talking
about time travel, the Fifth Dimension, the Big Bang, etc. I try to follow
him, but I am hampered by a brain that for decades has firmly believed that
the Fifth Dimension is the musical group that sang Up, Up and Away. So I
quickly become confused and testy, and Rob gets frustrated and says, ``Don't
you understand? THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TIME!'' And I'll say, ``YES THERE
IS, AND RIGHT NOW IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!''

(At one point, -- I swear this is true -- we got into a bitter argument
about whether people in Minneapolis age at the same rate as people in
Miami.)

When I was in college, during the '60s, there was no such thing as ``quantum
physics.'' Or, if there was, nobody told ME about it. Back then, when we
stayed up all night, we were not trying to figure out the universe: We were
trying to figure out how to operate the phone, so we could order pizza.
(Note to young people: Phones were MUCH more complicated in the '60s.)

I was an English major, and when we English majors thought about physics, we
were trying to solve problems like: ``You are required to turn in a 15-page
paper on The Brothers Karamazov. You have written a grand total of 311 words
on this topic. How big do you have to make your margins to make these words
stretch over 15 pages? Do you think the professor will notice that your
`paper' is a little anorexic worm of type running between margins wide
enough to land an airplane on? Do you think that anybody in history has ever
actually read all the way to the end of The Brothers Karamazov? Why?''

This is not to say that I know nothing about physics. I studied physics for
an ENTIRE YEAR in Pleasantville High School under the legendary Mr.
Heideman. We learned that there are five simple machines: the lever, the
pulley, the doorbell, the hammer and the toaster. We learned that the most
powerful force in the universe is static electricity, which Mr. Heideman
demonstrated by getting a volunteer to place his or her hand on a generator,
which caused the volunteer's hair to stand on end, unless the volunteer was
a girl with the popular early '60s ``beehive'' hairstyle held rigidly in
place by the other most powerful force in the universe, hair spray.
Presumably, if Mr. Heideman had cranked the power up enough, the static
electricity buildup would have caused the volunteer's head to explode, and
we would finally have found out if -- as widely rumored -- many ``beehive''
hairstyles contained nests of baby spiders.

Thanks to my high-school training, I believed I had a solid grasp of
physics. So when Rob was growing up, I was able to answer his questions
about the universe, such as ``What is a star?'' (Answer: a big ball of
static electricity that has caught on fire because of friction with comets)
or ``What is gravity?'' (Answer: a powerful type of static electricity that
sucks you toward the ground, especially after you eat Italian food).
These answers satisfied my son until he started reaching that snotty,
know-it-all age when kids start losing all respect for authority (18
months). And now he's calling me from college and telling me that the
universe is NOTHING like my concept of it. The stuff he talks about is
pretty complex, but I will try to summarize the main points, as I understand
them:

Point One: Whatever you think about anything is wrong.

Point Two: There is no such thing as Point One. You THINK there is a Point
One, but that just shows what a physics moron you are.

Point Three: If there are identical twins, and one of them gets on a
spacecraft going at nearly the speed of light, then one of them will grow
old
much faster than the other, and that one will retire to Miami.

Point Three: There is an infinite number of possible Point Threes, and they
are all equally true, and you will never understand ANY of them.

OK? Is that clear to everybody? Good! To prove you really understand, I want
you all to write me a 15-page paper on how the universe works and send it
backward through time to me in 1964, c/o Mr. Heideman's class. OK, I got it.
Thanks



Cheers,
Bill Larson
Geneva, Switzerland