Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the
lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."
RUNNERS-UP:
#4
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure
skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the
body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
#3
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a
faster rate.
#2
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#1
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is
dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to
strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches
above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail
could easily link New York with Chicago.