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Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 12:36:21 -0800 (PST)
From: AMY YI WANG <yichin@ucla.edu>
Subject: HUMOR: European English (fwd)
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways
of improving efficiency in communications between Government
departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through
and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of
changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of
course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by
participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using
's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all
sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could
be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not
only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal
workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written
'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent
shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double
leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to
read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would
be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to
steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of
'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'.
Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.